speaking out of turn

I sit in the suv with the red velvet blanket on top of me sheltering me from the cold the winter months has brought on. about 15 minutes prior to waiting in the car I was laying down watching the tube in his nice warm bed but ring ding of the incoming text sound filled the room, then silence. It is time to roll, time to drain our hearts, wallets, and morals.

now back to the suv, bundled up in the passenger seat he reaches over and grabs my hand, my hand disappears in his bear paw and the sense of security overwhelms my emotions.. i love him but the not the situations he puts me in the dangerous life he has involved me in but at the end of the day i love him.

and he loves me, that is apparent and clear.

the headlights of the other guy come from behind and light the entire inside of the vehicle but only for a moment as he turned and pulled up beside us. I never say anything or get directly involved so the next part I'm not exactly sure what happens but I have a pretty good idea. he leaves the car and pops in his besides us, nothing is seen behind the tinted windows but only a few moments goes by and he is back in the suv pulling away, going back home.

i just can not express myself as equally and fairly as i should.

right now i'm in the brightest dark place i've ever been in. from the outside i look like a typical young adult pretending to live life but inside i've trapped myself deep into a well screaming for help but i can only help myself. i feel as though i still have options and that i'm not stuck with the recent choices i have made but the energy and will power has drained me little by little everyday that i do not stop.

he, my boy, the boy, is the best thing that has ever happened to me.. emotionally... he is warm and caring and while there is no one around i get lost in his arms.. but his choices are now becoming mine and when i see him sweating and not feeling good i do not have the strength to say no...

and now this love affair is killing me with compassion