speaking out of turn

I sit in the suv with the red velvet blanket on top of me sheltering me from the cold the winter months has brought on. about 15 minutes prior to waiting in the car I was laying down watching the tube in his nice warm bed but ring ding of the incoming text sound filled the room, then silence. It is time to roll, time to drain our hearts, wallets, and morals.

now back to the suv, bundled up in the passenger seat he reaches over and grabs my hand, my hand disappears in his bear paw and the sense of security overwhelms my emotions.. i love him but the not the situations he puts me in the dangerous life he has involved me in but at the end of the day i love him.

and he loves me, that is apparent and clear.

the headlights of the other guy come from behind and light the entire inside of the vehicle but only for a moment as he turned and pulled up beside us. I never say anything or get directly involved so the next part I'm not exactly sure what happens but I have a pretty good idea. he leaves the car and pops in his besides us, nothing is seen behind the tinted windows but only a few moments goes by and he is back in the suv pulling away, going back home.

i just can not express myself as equally and fairly as i should.

right now i'm in the brightest dark place i've ever been in. from the outside i look like a typical young adult pretending to live life but inside i've trapped myself deep into a well screaming for help but i can only help myself. i feel as though i still have options and that i'm not stuck with the recent choices i have made but the energy and will power has drained me little by little everyday that i do not stop.

he, my boy, the boy, is the best thing that has ever happened to me.. emotionally... he is warm and caring and while there is no one around i get lost in his arms.. but his choices are now becoming mine and when i see him sweating and not feeling good i do not have the strength to say no...

and now this love affair is killing me with compassion

catching back up

sometimes i get wrapped up in the most silliest subjects and focus on one part of my life that i forget that i am a person with multple situations going on... new friendships are blossoming and i feel good about this one, school is closing down on finals and the stress in building yet i am still finding time to write down daily nonsense while i should be on an oak desk with a brightly lit lamp is about me doing chapter reviews, writing biology papers, you know things of that nature

yet i am not

alright.. time to swing low

first thing is first...

i'm exhausted from day 2 of the week... school is so demanding but to keep on top of it is a whole another demand, but dont worry.. i got it

it was game 2 of the playoffs, which i followed the the sun and blazers from day one through my phone but the playoffs actually get watched, every game! so far the score is 1-1, in case you were dying to know!!

lately i've been alone, all alone. it doesnt bug me and i am not dying for companionship, however i'm not ruling anything out. and hell i could have someone if i wanted... but no one would be you and i want you and fuck.. i just can't have you... it's weird how things fall into place and sometimes everything is alright and the next day is even better but then there are times when you wait and want and your lap eventually gets a big pile of shit when it is all said and done.

i'm 21, well i'm 20 years, 11 months, 2 weeks and 3 days old. i feel as if i'm see the world differently then most people. i dont have this whole life things figured out, i dont think i'm suppose to but i know i get bored easily, i dont really like challenges but i enjoy risks...

hour has come for the tides of change

i can't think to hard about what i am going to write i must just write at all costs to get my mind working and in motion. my mind has been here and there lately and i can not seem to get a firm grasp on the reality around me. i am falling further away as the truth is even further and these damn subtle hints from you drive me crazy.... but this is it... this is right... how can it not be?

you know you get those feelings and when shit hits the roof and it is gone you take a moment to look back on the situation and then you have one of those brilliant AHA! moments, it is then when the light around you is brighter than ever, and you can see through the shame that it all just wasn't right... it just wasn't it..

well this isn't like that, this is different, this is it. for me anyways....


this month my color is purple... it's purple too.

new scandal with a buffalo

it's hard to tell if someone can turn writing ability on and off, in this case i'm hoping to turn something on. i just got back from a 9 days vacation of sitting on a leather couch in a cluttered yet artistic original triplex with my a girl i get along with so well it is as if we share the same mind, we actually share the same name. as i was there breathing in the portland gloom it felt weird and surreal to be there once again. i drove down roads thinking about the last time i had been on these roads and streets. i hugged people that brought me back to a different place in my life, but it all felt good. i feel like i ran away from some of these people and seeing them again is small comfort.

at one point i sat by the fireplace on a wooden stool with no back rest, i made a fire. i watched this fire rise and i watched it lose flame and ash down but i'd never let it die. one more piece of wood. just one more. but eventually i will have to leave this stool and focus my energy on another subject. someone can only linger around a uncertain fire for so long, keeping the fire alive makes no different on how long the spark will last but it makes me weak. the wood will burn black and the flame will snap out and finally the red glow of the ashes will fade away. the ending result is a empty dirty fire pit just ready to dusted off and start again.

but i really liked this fire

breaks my heart

to see you wave and smile at me

as if nothing is wrong

you phone rings twice then goes to voicemail

i know how to ignore

i just want to let you know that i am sorry for 2 things

and 2 things only

i'm sorry i went to the mountains that night you worked

to smoke that herb with that strawberry blond boy

nothing happened but that's not the point and i understand

i'm again sorry for the night i let you walk all the way downtown

because i was too tired to drive you

and at the time

i was too tired to care

those nights haunt me and i wonder if those nights changed

would we have changed for the better,,,

i tell myself to be strong but it is a lot more work then i thought it'd be

you have a heart so big but no room for me

i want to change for you as you changed for me

scribbles

april convinced me to take an online personality test today. it was interesting, but mostly dead on to who i think i am, or who i want to be. i havent decided yet. it is funny how a test with less than 50 questions can come up with 2 full pages about you and who you are and be mostly right. the results basically said everything i already knew about myself, but it is now official that these traits live inside me because i took an test and my results will be recorded forever. a confirmation that i am a good person with positive feedback, almost justifies my poor performance in school this term.reminds me of a substitute teacher i had countless times in school, she was famous in our school district for reading faces.whether she knew how to read faces or made shockingly good educated guesses she always came about 95% right every time. we already knew these things about ourselves, it was just fun to hear someone else call on these traits that were hidden in our faces and she never asked 50 questions or any.

it said i was a great writer which i believe it half true. yes, i am a writer in the sense that i write and enjoy to write, but would i call my self great? i'm not sure. i scribble random thoughts and daily events on to paper or the Internet in hopes to connect to another human being. but does that make me great? or course not, it makes me lonely and maybe evidence of the increasing time i make for my hands.

i still have yet to find a cause that i am passionate about.. i'll keep searching